I should have remembered how grief sneaks back up on you when you least expect it. Years ago, many months after my dad died, I thought I had overcome the grief until one day I suddenly started crying again. I remember being shocked by the strong feelings that overcame me so long after the loss. It's normal but it really, really stinks.
So I thought I was okay after I made it through December feeling positive after turning 40, losing my grandmother, and dealing with the holidays while getting divorced with kids. Then, as the new year began, so did the sadness. Reality snuck up and bashed me over the head. Surprise, surprise!
It started when I helped my mom move my grandmother's belongings out of her home so she could sell it. It got pretty bad when I had to go to my grandmother's house for the very last time. Two days later, my divorce became final. Two weeks later came the lowest point: Valentine's Day. I am used to spending it with my family. Last year I cooked dinner and my kids and my grandmother were with me. This year I faced the reality that I will never cook dinner for my grandmother again, and I was alone on Valentine's Day without my children. Everything had changed. It was harsh. And it felt like it would never get any better.
Of course, it did get better. There was light at the end of the tunnel. In time, hopefulness snuck back in. And my pets helped me get through, especially on the days that I didn't have my kids. It's hard to feel sad when a cat is purring or a dog looks at you with big, sweet eyes.
Now that I am dealing with my grief better, I've been contemplating the grief that I know I will feel in the future. A friend of mine had a sweet cat who recently passed away, and it is sad to see her so heartbroken. Other friends have dogs and cats who are aging and ill, and I know too many people who have recently lost their pets. Seeing their pain makes me dread the day that this will happen to me. And it made me question my decision to have pets. I know I will have to say goodbye to them someday. When we love pets (or people), we open ourselves up to be hurt. So why love and care when it is guaranteed to bring pain? I think, because whether with pets or people, relationships enrich our lives. If we don't care about others we are not truly living. I have thought about this a lot since going through divorce. It is natural to want to avoid going through pain again. But I don't want to live my life in fear of it. Pets and people bring joy to my life, and I think that's worth it. They bring challenges too, but I can't close myself off because of it. It took six months but I can finally look at my dog and admit that I love her. Why was that so hard?
Because those we care about the most are the ones that can cause us the most pain.
And that is scary.
In spite of it, I am choosing to let myself love my pets and enjoy the time I have with them. Even though they knock over cups and drink my coffee and chew up cable remotes and make messes on my carpet.
But I'm keeping the cable remote high on a shelf. And replacing the carpet with laminate. Pain may be inevitable, but I'm avoiding it as much as I can.
