Grief

There are a lot of good books that have characters dealing with death and loss. Like Please Ignore Vera Dietz by A.S. King. And The Life of Glass by Jillian Cantor. Or Revolution by Jennifer Donnelly. Unfortunately reading a lot of books didn't prepare me for Real Life.

                

I should have remembered how grief sneaks back up on you when you least expect it. Years ago, many months after my dad died, I thought I had overcome the grief until one day I suddenly started crying again.  I remember being shocked by the strong feelings that overcame me so long after the loss. It's normal but it really, really stinks.

So I thought I was okay after I made it through December feeling positive after turning 40, losing my grandmother, and dealing with the holidays while getting divorced with kids. Then, as the new year began, so did the sadness. Reality snuck up and bashed me over the head. Surprise, surprise!

It started when I helped my mom move my grandmother's belongings out of her home so she could sell it. It got pretty bad when I had to go to my grandmother's house for the very last time. Two days later, my divorce became final. Two weeks later came the lowest point: Valentine's Day. I am used to spending it with my family. Last year I cooked dinner and my kids and my grandmother were with me. This year I faced the reality that I will never cook dinner for my grandmother again, and I was alone on Valentine's Day without my children. Everything had changed. It was harsh. And it felt like it would never get any better.

Of course, it did get better. There was light at the end of the tunnel. In time, hopefulness snuck back in. And my pets helped me get through, especially on the days that I didn't have my kids. It's hard to feel sad when a cat is purring or a dog looks at you with big, sweet eyes.

Now that I am dealing with my grief better, I've been contemplating the grief that I know I will feel in the future. A friend of mine had a sweet cat who recently passed away, and it is sad to see her so heartbroken. Other friends have dogs and cats who are aging and ill, and I know too many people who have recently lost their pets. Seeing their pain makes me dread the day that this will happen to me. And it made me question my decision to have pets. I know I will have to say goodbye to them someday. When we love pets (or people), we open ourselves up to be hurt. So why love and care when it is guaranteed to bring pain? I think, because whether with pets or people, relationships enrich our lives. If we don't care about others we are not truly living. I have thought about this a lot since going through divorce. It is natural to want to avoid going through pain again. But I don't want to live my life in fear of it. Pets and people bring joy to my life, and I think that's worth it. They bring challenges too, but I can't close myself off because of it. It took six months but I can finally look at my dog and admit that I love her. Why was that so hard?

Because those we care about the most are the ones that can cause us the most pain.

And that is scary.

In spite of it, I am choosing to let myself love my pets and enjoy the time I have with them. Even though they knock over cups and drink my coffee and chew up cable remotes and make messes on my carpet.

But I'm keeping the cable remote high on a shelf. And replacing the carpet with laminate. Pain may be inevitable, but I'm avoiding it as much as I can.

Mother's Day

Divorce isn't easy, of course, and getting children through it brings on extra challenges. Sharing parenting time can be done, and I think we are pulling it off. But I also think that having my children only half the time has been the hardest thing to adjust to. It really makes me appreciate the time that we have together. That's why this Mother's Day was so special. It started with breakfast in bed and ended with cleaning up vomit, and I appreciated it all.

Luckily it started with breakfast and not barf. My oldest son is an official teenager now, so he slept in. Which worked out really well for me because when he woke up I don't think he realized that his brother had already made me breakfast (yogurt with oats and fruit, carmelized bananas, and coffee- lovely!) so I got to enjoy two breakfasts. It was so great seeing him being independent in the kitchen and experimenting with eggs. Then the boys helped me prepare vegetables for a barbecue at my mom's, and we left to spend the afternoon at Grammy's, eating and swimming. I am glad that we didn't try to do our usual brunch at my house. In past years all the grandmothers would come, and this year it would have been a painful reminder that Nana isn't with us anymore. 

On the ride home I had some Mom Reality: a meltdown because of an upcoming Very Important Math Test. So we did a lot of talking and problem solving. Then some studying at home. At dinner-epiphany! I decided that I should make something that I actually wanted to eat instead of something that the boys will eat, which is usually not anything that I would make for myself. They did not eat my tuna steak with cabbage, even though I thoughtfully left the peanut sauce off of their portions. But I wasn't surprised or offended. Small steps.

At bedtime we enjoyed reading The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, even though Jaron had terrible hiccups. After trying unsuccessfully to banish them for almost an hour, he tried drinking upside down and actually threw up a little. No problem. Cleaned it up, tucked him in. Hiccups finally went away. Kids in bed, laundry started in the washer, lunches packed.  Not yet time to sleep, first I had homework... watching training videos before volunteering for the 5th grade Junior Achievement Biztown field trip in the morning. I get to chaperone school trips with both of the boys this week. I really feel like a mom today. And I am appreciating it like I never have before. I was so happy by how much I appreciated getting to do mom things like cleaning up vomit, that I was finally inspired to write again. 

Tomorrow the boys will be with their dad after school. I will miss them. Yet I will also appreciate the freedom of having an evening to myself. It's a strange combination of feelings. Months ago I felt much loneliness and guilt when they weren't with me, and that has gotten better with time. Hopefully it will continue to get easier for all of us. And hopefully I will continue to appreciate cleaning up vomit.

I fully admit that I do not feel the same way about cleaning up cat or dog vomit. It's a good thing those animals are so darn cute. And they keep me company when the kids are gone which I truly appreciate especially since I have adopted a new family member. I won't be changing the name of this blog to Book Kitty and Doggy Blog, even though she does look remarkably like Gloria in Officer Buckle and Gloria. 

Officer Buckle says, "Never Stand on a Swivel Chair!"

She even has a red collar. Total coincidence. Really.

 

She is the sweetest dog. Gets along well with the cats. And since she is my first dog, I am trying to learn how to be a good doggy mom which means I'm actually reading some nonfiction...

It is interesting reading. I am learning that dogs are VERY different than cats. But they can get along...

Happy Birthday to the Book Kitties. Their mom left them in my driveway two years ago on Mother's Day. Everything happens for a reason...

Just born. Mother's Day 2010.

Max a.k.a Skippyjon Jones, two years old

Jingle a.k.a Bad Kitty, two years old

New Year

Today is the first day of 2012. Time to reflect and make resolutions.

I resolve to write more. This blog is a start.

Usually I would be making the typical resolution to exercise and eat better, but for the first time I can remember, I'm already doing that. So much in my life already seems healthier and happier. So I resolve to continue to make positive choices.

There have recently been many changes for my children. We are all adjusting to being together only half the time, and it is challenging for them to go back and forth between households and deal with the reality of divorce. But we are getting through it, day by day. I truly appreciate the time that we have together. I resolve to spend quality time with my boys. I will listen to them, limit their time with electronics, and do more outdoor activities together- even if they would rather play Minecraft than go to the park. This year we will overcome our challenges.

I am grateful for the many people who have been an incredible support during a difficult year. Friends, coworkers, and even random nice strangers all contribute to make each day more pleasant, happy, and sometimes even very special. I realize how lucky I am and resolve to express my appreciation.

Books have always been a support in my life. At the end of the year I always regret that I didn't read more, and resolve to read more the next year. I am grateful for the many good books that enriched my life in 2011. These ten were particularly meaningful:

Blindsided by Priscilla Cummings
    Told from the perspective of a 14-year-old who is going blind. Now that's a life change.

Deadline by Chris Crutcher
    An 18-year-old lives his last year of high school to the fullest, keeping the fact that he is dying a secret until the very end.

Doggirl by Robin Brande
   A shy girl thinks that all she needs in her life are her parents and her dogs, until she volunteers her trained pets for the high school drama production and learns the value of friendship.

Everybody Sees the Ants by A.S. King
   An incredible book about bullying, family and finding yourself.

Into the Parallel by Robin Brande
    A teenage scientist meets her alternate self in a parallel universe!

OyMG by Amy Fellner Dominy
    A Jewish main character overcomes challenges and guilt to learn the importance of being yourself.

Reincarnation by Suzanne Weyn
    I am fascinated by the idea of past lives, learning lessons in this life for the next, and knowing people throughout different lives. This novel follows four people through centuries of lives as they learn and grow.

The Running Dream by Wendelin Van Draanen
    A high school runner loses her leg. An inspirational story about overcoming tragedy; friendship; team work; service to others; and getting to know people for who they are inside.

This I Believe 2 edited by Jay Allison
    A collection of inspiring and moving essays.

Three Little Words by Ashley Rhodes-Courter
   An inspirational memoir written by a teenager who went through the foster system.

Zero by Tom Leveen
    I really connected with the main character's challenging family life and how she overcame it.

Each of these books is about overcoming obstacles.

The lesson I learned from my life this past year is the same lesson I have learned from books. Even when life seems dire, it gets better. The ending is not always what you expected, or neat and pretty, but there is always hope.

Here's hoping for a phenomenal 2012.

In 2012 I resolve to keep the cats away from my coffee.